shattering hearts
by castawayhearts
Summary: because one of the most painful things ever is going from talking to someone everyday to having to watch it disappear, moving slowly at a time to the point where all of a sudden, it isn't there anymore. especially when you loved this person more than a friend, and even a simple glance from him meant the world and drove you crazy. {but now, you're crazy for a whole new reason.}


**_shattering hearts_**

**a/n: where abi tries to write her first one-shot. it's slight AU/OOC; spoby pairing. hope you enjoy c:**

**disclaimer: AbigAil does not own.**

**.::.**

"I hope you know that your presence annoys me."

Those were Spencer Hastings' first words to Toby Cavanaugh, the ones she first spoke as they took their seats in French class junior year.

"Ah, the sarcastic type; I like you already. What's your name?"

First impressions were important to Spencer-she is always anal about what image she gives people, choosing her words and actions carefully and overanalyzing their body language so as to get an idea of their honest opinion of her. She likes her first impressions because it sets the vibe of their entire relationship-and she just happened to give Toby a sarcastic one.

_[But no worries, she could use a carefree one every now and then.]_

~;;~

"Spencer, can you teach me the tune to this song for the play?" Hanna asked one day during French. They were given a free period, so their table was off to their usual antics.

One month had passed since Spencer and Toby first met. They were "the" humor buddies in French, and Spencer's best friends were observing them quite closely. She acted…_different_ around him-more confident, more silly, more _happy._

"Um, okay? I don't see how much help id be, though."

"Just sing."

So she did, and rather beautifully. Turns out, her friends weren't the only ones who heard her, as Toby stopped talking to Caleb and Noel and stared at Spencer.

"Wow, you're really good."

She smiled politely and shyly tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, suddenly feeling insecure. "Um, thanks."

"No, I mean it. You really can sing."

And now he stared at her, unknowingly wearing a huge grin. Although a tad weaker now, Spencer stared back fully aware of Hanna's unslick coughs.

_/But now, she doesn't really care, because all she wants and needs to do is savor this fairytale moment-to capture it and remember it.\\_

~;;~

"Happy birthday, Spencer!"

She gracefully accepted the mauve bag in Toby's hands, and then carefully took out the periwinkle tissue paper. Adjusting the small birthday tiara her friends made her wear, she opened up the small box inside, revealing a stack of bracelets.

"What are these, Tobes?" she earnestly asked, wide mocha eyes filled with curiosity.

"They're superstitious evil eye bracelets, to ward off bad, negative energy. Coral is protection; black power; red courage; green success and happiness; and amethyst means intelligence."

Spencer picked up the stack and looked through them admiring their essence. Her eyes were drawn to the one at the bottom, however. "What about this you?"

Toby glanced at it. "It's a mix of all of them, but the colors are shown in the center in direct sunlight."

Spencer closed the box and put it back in the bag, then slipped on that one bracelet. "Well, _this_ is my favorite."

Toby smiled. "Mine too."

Her friends walked in the classroom right then, and savoring the last two minutes before the bell rang, Aria came with Hanna and Emily to the table, immediately bombarding Spencer.

Twenty minutes later, full on to the period, the teacher walked over to their table and pulled Toby to the side. Spencer discreetly watched them, trying to hear their conversation, while pretending to be paying attention to Hanna's crazy story.

He arrived back at the table, and Spencer immediately scribbled and handed a note. _What happened?_

Before he could respond, she was asked by the teacher to speak to her outside.

"Yes Miss Rayne?"

"You're friends with Toby Cavanaugh, right?"

Spencer didn't really know how to answer that question-it's been bugging her this whole year. "I guess so," she decided.

"Okay, then. He used to be really good in French last year, but lately, he's been slacking off. I'm thinking he needs a tutor, and since you are one of my top students, I was hoping that maybe you could…"

"I'd love to be Toby's tutor, ma'am."

"Splendid, now run along, Spencer."

She sat back down and Toby handed her back the note. _Hey, tutor?_

She nodded her head and smiled warmly, then opened her binder and took out her French essay. As she fixed her so called errors, she felt a pair of eyes on her…well, her binder anyway.

"What's wrong, Tobes?"

"What's this supposed to mean?" he asked, pointing a phrase on the upper right hand corner.

"Oh, _straight and fast_? It's the way out of the labyrinth of suffering, from a book called 'looking for alaska.'"

He eyed it a little longer, suddenly wearing a depressed look which spencer can't help but think that it's what Alaska Young felt at times- hopeless, scared, and lost. But Toby came back to reality and returned to his usual self.

Near the end class, Spencer reached down to organize her birthday gift bags (which she received at least nine more of) when she felt someone kick her. Looking up, she saw Toby wearing a smug grin that gave him away, so he kicked back, never breaking eye contact. And they played Footsies under the table until the horrendous threw them back to their own worlds, but for the time being, they were the only people in _their_ world.

_{And this was all before, and before was where they wanted to be upon seeing what after would bring.}_

~;;~

"What's wrong, Spencer?" Aria asks one Monday afternoon, the shining sun's rays falling on her brunette ponytail.

"Toby seems more distant recently," she answers without thinking, gnawing nervously on her thumbnail.

"What's up with you and Toby anyways?" Hanna butts in.

"Nothing, Hanna."

Assuming the "gossip position", she smacks her banana gum says, "Oh puh-lease, there's _got _to be _something_."

"Hanna, just stay out of it, okay?" Emily mutters.

Hanna slowly blows a bubble and stares at Spencer dead in the eye before walking off.

"Anyway," Aria continues after they've left, "What do you mean by distant?"

"I mean that I think he may be mad at me. Yesterday in French he didn't speak to me or even look at me at all."

"Was he talking to Caleb?"

"Yes, and Noel too."

Her petite friend remains silent for a moment, then shrugs. "I've got nothing."

_Some help you are_, Spencer thinks before walking off to her next class.

As she waits with some girl named Paige McCullers for the teacher to open the classroom door, Toby passes by and catches Spencer's eye. "Hey Spence! Be ready to sing to me in French, yeah?"

She beams then quickly groans, playing along.

He smirks. "Goodbye Spencer." Then with a wink, he's off.

"Is that your boyfriend?" Paige asks, startling Spencer who doesn't know why she would ask such a question when they barely know each other's names.

"Um, no," she mumbles, playing with her bracelet (that special one Toby gave her in that stack of bracelets, which she's been wearing every day since then).

"It sure looks like it. I say hang on to him-you may not see it but boy does he stare at you like you're a million bucks."

And the beam returns to Spencer's face, though it's unsure whether or not it's because of Paige's remarks or that everything is fine with her and Toby.

_{But darling, you're falling in love for the first time and those butterflies are pounding more than ever, don't you see it? You love the way he makes you feel and you'd be a hot mess without him. So hang on tight honey, because on the ride of love there's never an "I'm fine".}_

~;;~

"Spencer, call your mother in please."

She looks up at her doctor, who has a sad, serious look on her face. She wordlessly exits the room, wondering what could be wrong, and pokes her head into the waiting room. There are only two people there-her mother and some lady. "Mommy, can you please come?"

Using the 'mommy' basis, it's clear that something is wrong, so the two walk in sync with an anxious tension lingering between them.

"Is everything alright, doctor?"

She sniffles. "Um, no, unfortunately. I took a look at her mammogram and it seems as if Spencer… _may_ have… breast cancer."

For the first time ever, Spencer sees her mother cry. And this makes Spencer cry because she wanted to believe that it's surreal nut seeing her mother break makes her crack because that means _it's real_.

"We'll do a follow up appointment in say, two weeks? Is that alright?"

"Yes, that's fine," she quickly responds, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.

So now they leave, Veronica with raccoon eyes and Spencer's all puffy, probably looking like a freak show but who cares. Really, who the fuck cares? They both cry again outside and Veronica leaves her daughter alone to go tell Peter.

She sits down on a chair and takes a deep breath, inhaling the scent of sickness and death and now, all she wants to do is puke.

"Spencer? Are you okay?"

She looks up, recognizing that voice anywhere. Toby.

"I'm-" she stops because 'fine' isn't going to work here-she needs to stop living her oh so pretty lies and face the ugly truth, no matter how much it hurts. "I'm not; I may have cancer."

Spencer falls into his arms right then and holds on tight until her mother returns, and she feels hopeless as she leaves.

Two weeks later, after dragging herself out of bed every morning and longing for sleep (death with benefits, right?), Spencer _bounces_ to school and looks genuinely glad. Surprisingly, some didn't bat an eyelash at the sudden change and her friends noticed, but Toby on the other hand…

"Why are you so perk today?" he asks after cornering her in the outskirts of school.

She merely points to the pink ribbon on her shirt and shakes her head, and he immediately understands. In this moment, he literally can't resist and picks her up, swinging her around lightly and she's giggling because it's one of the best moments of her life.

What's this? Spencer- a _Hastings_- falling in love with Toby Cavanaugh, a non country club member and residential goofball? This scene won't play-oh, no chance, no way, this just can't happen.

Now, for the first time ever, if it was wrong, Spencer didn't want to be right.

_/Honey, love knows no limits, no boundaries. It can make you do crazy things, think crazy stuff. But darling, prepare to be the craziest you've ever been for a whole new, different reason.\\_

~;;~

It's a gloomy Thursday afternoon when the disaster strikes-the perfect scene, perfect mood, _im_perfect situation.

Spencer Hastings walks out of school alone-practically half the school was absent today, including Aria, Emily, and even Toby, because of a so called thunderstorm and Hanna was whisked away by Mona right when the bell rang. She knows Toby isn't sick so she decides to stop by his house and do a surprise tutor session-it can't kill him, after all.

She turns the corner and sees chaos on the street, and her natural reaction is to panic. She runs to his house, heart beating faster and faster with every step, and she sees his sister outside crying; that's when the panic becomes real.

"Jenna, what happened?" She reaches the steps, pushing past about ten cops, and asks, already regretting the answer.

She shakes her head and shudders. "T-Toby's d-dead. T-They say he k-killed himself."

And. Spencer's. World. Just. Stops.

Because Toby _was_ her world, and now he's gone. He'll _never_ come back and never speak again. Time is going to pass and he is going to be forgotten- Spencer doesn't want that. She wants to cry, really, she just wants to lay down on the road and cry because life isn't fair, _nothing_ is fair. (And if a car comes and doesn't stop, so be it-at this point, she wants to die because she can't stand waking up to tomorrow, a tomorrow without him, and eventually having to move on. She. Just. Can't.) But the problem is, she _can't_ cry because there is nothing _to _cry.

Now, that car is sounding more and more better-let it come and hit her, take her away. Let it crush all her bones and smash her guts, let her join the so called afterlife be it heaven or hell, _let her be forgotten like all the lost ones and Toby._

Toby. Dead.

Toby Cavanaugh _killed_ himself.

_Toby Cavanaugh is dead._

A week passes. Toby has been gone for officially one week. It seems as if most moved on, carried on with their lives, but they didn't _know_ Toby. They didn't know his special blue eyes, his voice, his voice, his true personality, _him_.

She fumbles with her bracelets-now, on top of her usual superstitious one, she wears all of them- and tries not to stare at the empty seat in front of her in French.

But she looks at it anyway. Applying a layer of eos, she snaps at Caleb, despite the fact that Hanna is right next to her, "How could you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Place your stuff in _that seat_. That seat is where your best friend would sit _every fucking day_, and now you just drop your crap there like a shitty dump? Sickening. People like you disgust me."

"Spencer," Hanna whispers.

"Take. The. Damn. Backpack. Off. _Now._"

He rolls his eyes but places it behind his chair, then goes back to Noel.

She starts packing up her stuff, knowing that there are only fifteen minutes left in the period. All she wants to do is get home and lock herself in her room, like she's been doing all week. Spencer puts the eos back in her makeup bah and shoves her books and homework in her bag, not caring which papers crumble or how messy it is.

"Hey, Miss Moody," Caleb calls out to her.

"What do you want, Mr. Emotionless?" she retorts, slapping the juvenile insult aside.

"I found this in my locker last Thursday. It's for you, from Toby."

At the sound of toby's name, she snatches the envelope away from him. "And why did you wait this long to give me this?"

"Chill, jeez. It's not like you two were dating or anything, don't get so protective."

She knows and Emily were sending death squints his way, knowing Caleb can be completely oblivious to these things.

"Oh…so you're the secret girl he used to talk on and on about."

But she doesn't lie to defend the fact she had a secret love (though she does get chills when Caleb uses past tense) as she's already reading the letter inside.

'Spencer,

By the time you get this, the damage will probably be done, because I know Caleb will most likely not get this to you on time. So, I'm sorry in advanced for it. And you probably already know what I'm talking about, don't you? Yes you do, you're always a step ahead, aren't you? God, I'm so sorry for this, Spencer.

I hope you don't remember me as the guy who committed suicide, I really don't. I hope you remember me as the adorkable goofball who humored you in French class; as the only person who knew about your cancer scare; as the guy who gave you evil eye bracelets for your birthday. I hope you remember me as your friend. I hope you remember me. Please, don't you forget about me.

I hope you remember me as the guy who loved you- for you and all your insecurities.

Yes, I'm in love with you, Spence. (And look, I had to kill myself to finally tell you this; aren't I such an awful person?)

No, babe, you truly are insecure-sorry. But embrace what makes you different, because I like different, and you've been a good different since I first met you. You're talented, unique, and a beautiful individual-that's how I fell for you. Hard.

Speaking of this love nonsense, I've been saving a bracelet for you, check the bottom of the envelope. It's pink, because pink means love.

What do I mean by love? Well, I hope you love me as much as I love you, for starters. But I hope you find love too, when and if you're ready. I don't care if you're ready in twenty minutes or twenty years or never, but don't hide yourself because of me.

Though, I'm sorry we could never be the couple you want to be. I can already imagine all the antics we could have done- PDA in the park to annoy the snobs, though we'd never lose the true meaning of it; I could hold your hand and wrap my arms around you; we could play silly games like Scrabble or study French. Those are the things I want to do with you.

About my suicide, I know you want answers. Or closure. But I can't give away too much, only this: I found my straight and fast way out of the labyrinth of suffering. Take that as you want, or as you need.

Spencer, I really am sorry for leaving you like this- I didn't want to, but I had to. There was more to me than just my laugh and sense of humor, more underneath than just bones. I hope you understand this- who am I kidding, you're Spencer Hastings.

Spencer Hastings is the girl I fell in love with. She's not going to do something like I did and kill her way out of this, she's not going to jump off any buildings and pummel to the grounds with a smile or even a frown, she's not going to do any of that. She's going to create her own story and conquer the world.

You're going to drive some guy as crazy as you made me.

I love you.

-Toby'

So this is when she truly breaks, when she can't take it anymore and shatters. That's when Spencer cries like there's no tomorrow, and in class of all places.

"Spencer!" Hanna exclaims, rushing over to her seat, Emily scooting Noel out of his.

"We know you had a crush on him, S."

"No, it wasn't a stupid schoolgirl crush, _I love him._"

They comfort her, pat her back while she watches the clock, needing those ten minutes to pass.

She's finally at the cemetery, sitting at Toby's grave, placing a letter of her own onto the grave along with pink roses. She brushes a strand of hair out of her face and places a small kiss on his name.

"I hope you know that your presence completes me."

_[Because while first impressions were important to spencer, she realized that last impressions were even more.]_

.::.

**fin.**

**a/n: unedited/unbeta-ed, sorry for the sp&g mistakes in there (and the choppiness at the end). please review?**

**xoxo,**

**abigail**


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